“Why do you want to attend [insert prestigious school name]?”
The student shifts in their chair and nervously looks at their family, “Because it is a good school.”
We press with curiosity. “What makes it a good school?”
The student clears their throat and looks over again at their parents, “Because it’s ranked high.”
“How does the ranking support your growth and help you meet your goals more than another school?”
Silence. There is almost always silence.
With more than 30 years of collective experience, we have pushed students and families to answer these types of questions, embracing the uncomfortableness that follows. Often, we are led to believe that a name equals success. It’s time we question this idea and embrace what truly matters: finding a college that sparks your student’s passion, nurtures their growth, and sets them up for a fulfilling life. When we speak with families about their hopes for their students, more often than not, they name happiness, physical and mental well-being, individual growth, the ability to face challenges and solve problems, and kindness toward others.
The college admissions process is a whirlwind. For parents and teens alike, it's easy to get swept up in the rankings, reputation, and allure of prestigious institutions. However, this narrow focus can overshadow what really matters. Worse, the pressure surrounding college admissions has a significant and detrimental effect on mental health.
First, we invite you to consider how parents can unintentionally increase their children's anxiety:
Prioritizing results over the learning process: Focusing on grades, scores, and rankings rather than the effort and growth a child demonstrates can create pressure and undermine the joy of learning.
Equating worth with achievement: Defining a child's value by their academic or extracurricular performance neglects the importance of curiosity, intrinsic motivation, and emotional development, which are stronger predictors of long-term success.
Viewing college as the ultimate goal: Pressuring teens to participate in activities solely to impress colleges or making college admission the only measure of success can neglect their emotional needs and well-being.
Oversimplifying with labels: Using terms like "good/bad school" or "high/low score" creates an all-or-nothing mindset that fuels anxiety and ignores the nuanced reality of each student and their learning journey.
Overemphasizing achievement in conversations: When academic discussions dominate parent-teen interactions, it overshadows other important aspects of well-being, such as emotional health and personal interests.
By becoming aware of these tendencies, parents can shift their approach to foster a healthier, more supportive environment that reduces anxiety and promotes the holistic development of their children.
The Values-Driven Approach
Instead of fixating on getting into "the best" school, help your teen focus on finding the "best fit" school. Shift the conversation towards exploring their values, interests, and what kind of environment would allow them to thrive.
Here's a framework for a values-driven approach to the college search:
1. Self-Reflection: Encourage thoughtful introspection with questions like:
What makes you feel excited and energized?
When do you lose track of time because you're so engrossed in something?
What kind of people do you want to surround yourself with?
What kind of impact do you want to have on the world?
2. Defining "Best Fit": Use those reflections to consider their ideal college environment:
What kind of extracurricular scene excites you most: Division 1 sports, quirky clubs, or a thriving arts community?
What kind of weather and outdoor activities do you picture yourself enjoying during your college years?
What kind of student support services do you think you'll need to thrive academically and personally?
Do you learn best through hands-on projects, discussion-based seminars, or traditional lectures?
In terms of size, do you see yourself at a college where you'll recognize most faces or one where you can blend into the crowd?
3. The Search - Broadening Horizons
Lean into resources like the ones below that focus more on character and values:
“Where You Go Is Not Who You Will Be” by Frank Bruni
The College Essay Guy
Embrace Exploration: Visit a variety of schools, not just the usual suspects. Never heard of a school? Give it a chance!
Do more than tour. Sit on campus. Observe the students. Try to catch the vibe.
Talk about values with your teen. What do you value? How is that reflected in your career? How do the colleges you are considering connect with the things your teen values?
Student Voices: Read student blogs, campus newspapers, and social media for real student perspectives on campus life.
By shifting the college conversation from prestige to values, you equip your students to make a well-informed, self-assured decision. They'll find a place where they can learn with joy, form meaningful connections, and prepare for a life filled with purpose.
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