Every day, parents walk into my office clutching folders stuffed with school rankings, testing requirements, and acceptance rates. Their questions pour out rapid-fire: "What SAT score does she need?" "How many AP classes should he take?" "What are their job placement rates?"
I get it. These questions feel concrete, manageable, controllable. They give us something to grasp onto in the swirling uncertainty of college admissions. Numbers and stats create the illusion that we can somehow engineer the perfect future for our children if we just get all the variables right.
But after sixteen years of working with families, I've learned that the questions that really matter – the ones that actually predict whether your child will thrive in college – are the ones parents almost never ask.
Here are the questions I wish you'd bring to my office. The questions I wish you'd ask on a college tour:
"How do students spend their weekends on this campus?" This tells us more about a college's soul than any glossy brochure. I want you to ask this because your child deserves more than just a prestigious education – they deserve a life. A real life, with friendship and laughter and spontaneous midnight conversations.
When I visit colleges, I don't just look at the libraries. I look at the spaces between classes. Are students walking together, deep in conversation, or hustling past each other with their heads down? Are there inside jokes written on dorm whiteboards? Do I hear laughter echoing from common rooms? These details matter more than you know.
"What happens when a student is struggling?" Not just "Is there a counseling center?" but what really happens when your child is curled up in their dorm room at 2am, overwhelmed and questioning everything? How long until they can get an appointment? Are professors accessible when students are drowning in coursework? Is there a culture of reaching out for help, or one of suffering in silence?
I've seen too many bright students crumble at prestigious universities that looked perfect on paper but lacked adequate support systems. The existence of resources means nothing if students feel too ashamed or overwhelmed to access them.
"Where do students find joy here?" Not achievement. Not resume bullets. Joy. Pure, unfiltered, spontaneous joy. Show me the traditions that make students' eyes light up when they talk about them. Tell me about the professors who change the way students see the world. Let me hear about the clubs where freshmen become family.
Because here's what I know: your child's success in college will depend far more on their happiness than their high school stats. A student who feels connected, supported, and alive will learn more, grow more, and yes – achieve more than one who's just going through the motions at a "better-ranked" school.
"How does this college handle failure?" Your child will fail at something in college. This isn't pessimism – it's reality. And it's actually crucial for their growth. So I want to know: does this college treat failure as a catastrophe or a catalyst? Do students get buried by a B-minus, or do they learn to bounce back stronger?
The most successful alumni I know didn't get there by being perfect. They got there by learning how to fail, adapt, and keep going. That's the real skill your child needs to develop.
"What kind of person does this college help students become?" This is perhaps the most important question of all. Beyond the majors and the career paths, what values does this place nurture? Will your child become more curious here? More compassionate? More connected? Will they learn to think deeply, question assumptions, and engage with perspectives different from their own?
Because college isn't just job training. It's a transformation. Four years from now, your child won't just have a degree – they'll have become a different person. Shouldn't we talk about who that person might be?
These are the conversations we should be having in my office. Not just about getting in, but about truly belonging. Not just about succeeding, but about thriving. Not just about what your child will do, but who they will become.
The right college for your child isn't necessarily the most prestigious one they can get into. It's the one where they can grow into themselves, fall down and get back up, find their people, and discover what makes them come alive.
Those are the questions worth asking. Those are the answers worth seeking.
Let's have that conversation instead.